The Secret Place

“my child,” He said.

“yes,” i said.

“it is almost time.”

“you always say that.” i said.
“i always mean it.” He said.

“it cannot be time,” i said, “i am far too busy.”

“what are you busy doing?” He asked. He already knew, but i liked that He asked anyway just to hear me tell Him.

“growing,” i said. “getting ready”

“are you almost ready?” He asked, even though only He could know when i would be ready. i could not possibly know. He asked me so i could tell Him. i liked telling Him things and He liked listening.

“my fingers move.” i said. and i showed him. i wiggled my fingers.

“is it good, my child?” He asked.

“it is very good.” i said. “when will i be ready?” every time i asked this question, He gave me a different answer, so i always asked. once, He had said, ‘when you have fingers,’ and now that i had them, i wondered what he would say.

“you will know.” He said. this was a new answer. all His answers were new, but this one was completely unlike any other.

“how will i know?” i asked. “will you tell me?”

“yes, i will tell you. but you will know before i tell you.” He said.

“how will i know?” i asked again.

“your world will grow so small that you will have no choice but to break free of it.” He said.

“i do not believe you.” how could my whole world ever grow so small? and growing is always bigger, isn’t it? my child, you will have to ask your questions out loud, He said.

“why?” i asked.
“because when you leave this place, no one will hear or understand the language of your heart.”

“what is it like? this place where i am going” i asked.
“vastly beyond anything that would fit inside your head right now, my child, but not so different that you will not feel at home.”

“what will i do there?”

“what you are best at now.” He said.
“growing? waiting? getting ready?” yes. He said.

“and you’ll be there with me.” i said not thinking i even needed to ask. i had never heard silence before that moment. i was still surrounded by the glowing, silent, warmth of Living, but a strange Emptiness that seemed the opposite of the Living came and stood in the place of an answer to the question i did not ask. it seemed so long before He did answer that i thought He had gone and come back. though i do not know why i thought He had left. He was never gone from my place.

“i will be in that place, my child.” He said, but the answer did not fill the space its absence had left. instead, it brought a foreign coldness into the glow that surrounded me. a Cold that seemed to press and bear down.

“but you will have to find me.”

“i do not know where to look.” i said.
“i will help you, but you will not realize that i am with you.”

“how could i not know?” such a thing was not possible! i knew nothing else. no thing could possibly enter my mind so forcefully as to drive away the Presence that encompassed the entirety of my existence. but my questions spoken and felt were left to the cavernous silence and the Voice was stilled for what seemed and eternity.

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“my child,” He said.

“yes,” i said.

“it is time.” He said.

“you always say that,” i said, “and i still have so much growing to do.”

“show me something new” He said. i showed him my toes and He watched as i put one of my fingers into my mouth.

“stretch out your hands and stretch out your feet.” He said.

“i cannot!” i said, for i could not. “what has happened? is the world shrinking?”

“no, my child” He said, and the glow grew warmer and i felt my mouth pushing my eyes shut. “the world is not growing smaller, you are growing larger. it is almost time.”

“i must be very large” i said. “i remember when i did not know this place had boundaries because they were so far away from me. now look” i touched one boundary with my foot and the other with my hand.

“you are very large, my child. and i knew you before you knew yourself.”

“the time is very soon, isn’t it.” i said.

“very soon.” i felt the heart behind my ribs begin living faster, and i half wondered if it would break out of its cage.

“will i like it?”

“parts of it you will like very much. I liked mothers when i lived in the place where you are going.”

“you lived in the place where i am going?”

“i live there still. but not as you will”

“what are mothers?”

“you will know.” He said. “put your foot right here, and press against this boundary.” i did. “the gentle tingling that crawls inside your head through your ears is your mother. many things in that place you will have to try very hard to know. but when you find your mother, you will not question. even for an instant”

“what is an instant?”

“you will see.”

“i wish you were my mother. then i would be sure to find you.”

“i know your mother.”

“you do?”

“yes. she will help you find me.”

“she?”

“ ‘she’ is something you will come to know well”

“what does it mean?”

“i cannot now explain it, because right now, all you know is ‘she,’ and it can only be understood in that it is completely other than ‘he’” He said.

“what is he?”

“I am.”

? (too many questions piled on top of each other inside my head fighting over words until none were left. He answered all of them anyway)

“I am He, but your she is so small that you will first have to understand the hes that are your size before you understand the He that I Am. it will all work itself out in your mind, i promise.” He said, and i felt the glow press warmer again. and then the right, living Silence returned and i pondered all the things that we had said for a very long time.

“my child,” He said, as the world around me trembled

“yes,” i said, as the heart behind my ribs threw itself around the inside of me.

“it is time.”

“i know.” i said. a great heaving shudder of my universe seized hold of me threatening to undo all the growing i had worked so long to accomplish.

“the Waiting is about to begin.” He said and His voice resonated with a Promise that told the heart that held all of me to dance like the one behind my ribs. “are you excited?”

“if ‘excited’ is keeping my mouth closed so my heart does not escape, than yes.” i said.

“it is.” He said, and suddenly i understood that ‘excited’ was the Promise.

“but i am not ready!” the Cold had returned with the Emptiness, “i am not finished growing.”

“my child, all the growing you have done so far was to make you ready to Begin really growing. in this place, you only wait as large as this world will hold, and when that work is done, you must enter the next, to begin the growing you must do in that place. it was for this purpose that you were created.”

“i am afraid of the journey. i am afraid of going without you” i said.

when you pass into that place, I will be with you. I have called you by name. you are Mine. the Words came in and filled the whole of my being as another great shudder clenched its fist around me.

“how will i find you?” i reached out my hand in urgency. it could not be time until i knew where He would meet me in that place.

listen for my voice. He said.

“my child.” He said.

it is time.

my frame was not hidden from you, when i was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.

(Psalm 139:15-16)

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~ by ifindthisamusing on October 26, 2005.

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